Don't Tap the Glass · Specimen Card

the album said put your phone down and dance. you didn't. now you're the exhibit.

tyler sealed a man in a glass box outside barclays and told you not to tap it. so we built the rest of the museum. pick your species, pick your habitat, and get the little brass placard for the specimen who has not left the wall since 9pm — you.

specimens already on the wall

DON'T TAP THE GLASS · SPECIMEN CARD

SPECIMEN:@dondaseason

Homo verticalis · “Phone-Filming Menace”

Native to:the wedding reception

Field note:captured the entire first dance in 1080p and has not once looked up from the glass

Feeds on:4-second clips no one will tap through

Conservation status:thriving. unfortunately.

Do not tap the glass — the specimen is already filming it. Do not disturb.

DON'T TAP THE GLASS · SPECIMEN CARD

SPECIMEN:@twostepsteve

Homo two-steppus minimus · “Reluctant Two-Stepper”

Native to:the wedding reception

Field note:granted the bride one (1) sway, then returned to the assigned table at a brisk pace

Feeds on:the bare minimum and one (1) head nod

Conservation status:stable. barely moving, but stable.

Do not tap the glass. Specimen is still learning to dance and is trying its best. Do not disturb.

DON'T TAP THE GLASS · SPECIMEN CARD

SPECIMEN:@auxwarcrimes

Aux dominus · “Function DJ Hostage”

Native to:the cookout

Field note:commandeered auntie's speaker, queued a 6-minute deep cut, and sat the entire cookout down

Feeds on:requests it will not be honoring

Conservation status:protected by the aux cord. self-appointed.

Do not tap the glass. Do not, under any circumstances, hand the specimen the aux. Do not disturb.